You know when you are just over exhausted? Pushed to your breaking point? Or never have time to yourself? Hi, that’s me.
I’ve started this post about 7 times and never know how to continue it, mostly because I’m so tired. I can’t even think straight for a moment to focus on these thoughts that desperately need to get out.
I want to be clear. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my job. I love myself. But some days, or weeks, are just plain hard.
I’m trying to identify why I am so tired and all I can come up with is “life”. It’s a balancing act.
The life of a teacher is anything but glamorous. It’s demanding, fast paced, and never let’s up. Just when I feel caught up a tornado breaks loose in many different forms and I’m back cleaning up the mess again, or scrambling to pick up the pieces.
This past week or two has been nonstop. Unfortunately, as a result, I feel like a failure in everything. I know that’s extreme. But it’s the truth. I feel like a failure.
I feel like it’s one of those times in my life where everything-work, school, family, home- are all tangled up in a clump and I don’t know which part to pull first to start the untangling process. So instead of starting on one thing and methodically working it through, my brain starts on each piece and then jumps to the next leaving an extra tangle or two in there.
As my brain continues to jumble my responsibilities the mess only increases. I can even recognize when I am doing it. I bounce from thought to thought never long enough to do anything productive about it. I’ve tried lists, reminders, alarms. I can’t seem to organize myself. And maybe that is part of who I am, but I believe I can improve on myself.
Did you ever play a pinball machine? I can remember playing one in our garage, my dad had inherited one somehow. And some nights we would go into the garage and he would help me play. He would set up a stool so I could see, and would guide my hands so I knew when to push the button and flick the ball back into its world of neon and flashing lights. I loved those moments with my dad.
Well that’s how my brain has been feeling lately. A pinball machine of thoughts, to do lists, reminders, etc. While I no longer have the constant guidance of my dad’s hands on the pinball machine, I do have other tools in my life to help guide me through my tangled clump.
I’ve been trying to pinpoint those things and I finally came up with a list of people that keep me going, that are my guiding hands even when I don’t realize it.
My husband, my parents, my brother, my cousin, my relatives, my best friends, my in laws, my colleagues, even my students. But most important of all is the master of the ultimate pin ball machine. My Heavenly Father.
All of these individuals play a key role in my life. I need to remember to turn to others and not purely rely on myself. Because I am anything but a failure. I am kind. I am pure. I am tender. I am faithful. I am a great teacher. I am learning to be organized. I am dedicated. I am a good student. I use my money wisely. I spend time with the people I love.
I have been having really negative self talk as of late. “You need to be more organized.” “You forgot to do this.” “You really Schruted that.”(Any Office fans?). “Why can’t you manage your time better?”
Well I now know that kind of talk hasn’t helped me in accomplishing anything. Instead I will choose positive statements to guide me through this crazy life. When I think of all I have accomplished in my short stay on earth I am amazed!
It would do us all some good to take a moment to reflect on our accomplishments-big or small.
I have not traveled the world, or written a novel (yet), or become a movie star. But, I have received a college degree, and am working on another. I met and married the love of my life. I teach children to read and love one another. I was born into an amazing family. And I have aspirations to do more.
This life is too precious to doubt yourself and focus on your flaws. There’s just not enough space for self deprecation and happiness to exist.